GENERALS

I’m a hustler, baby.

Josh Beckett:  vs. Oak (Braden), vs. KC (TBA)

The most questionable all-star pick in my mind gets a candy hop in the last week before the break.

Matt Cain:  vs. Fla (West), vs. SD (Silva)

More than able to get a couple dubs here.

C.C. Sabathia:  at Min (Baker), at LAA (Weaver)

Si-Si, senor.  Wash yourself of Charles Carston this week.

Yovani Gallardo:  vs. StL (Wainwright), vs. LAD (Milton)

Yoga with Miller is very effective.

Cole Hamels:  vs. Cin (Cueto), vs. Pit (Ohlendorf)

The Camel finds his glory in the desert rain.

Josh Johnson:  at SF (Zito), at Ari (Davis)

Plain Jane Name, not so much game.

MAJORS

Awesome pitchers with so-so matchups and so-so pitchers with awesome matchups.

Jered Weaver:  vs. Tex (Millwood), vs. NYY (Sabathia)

Weaver may flip the Fidryich to Joe Maddon this week by getting two wins at home.  Wakefield over Weaver is a joke.

Adam Wainwright:  at Mil (Gallardo), at CHC (Wells)

Waino will attempt to pitch Birds to strong finish before break.

Javier Vazquez:  at CHC (Dempster), at Col (Hammel)

Horrible matchups for jayvee.  If you don’t expect much from me, you won’t be let down.

Johnny Cueto:  at Phi (Hamels), at NYM (Santana)

Mr. Cincinnati Red will show Charlie Manuel he’s a d-bag and should of made that team.

James Shields:  vs. Tor (Mills), vs. Oak (Anderson)

Shields ready for a big week and a bigger second half.

Scott Baker:  vs. NYY (Sabathia), vs. CWS (Buehrle)

I loved Baker in the pre-season and I love him even more now.  He has an insignificant name and look but pitches like a beast.

Mark Buehrle:  vs. Cle (Sowers), at Min (Baker)

Mark looking rather burly against AL Central foes.

Ryan Dempster:  vs. Atl (Vazquez), vs. StL (Wellemeyer)

They call her good ole cum dempster.

Aaron Harang:  at Phi (Happ), at NYM (Pelfrey)

Harangman, its not your fault.  Commit this to memory.

Mike Hampton:  vs. Pit (Vasquez), vs. Was (Zimmerman)

Nolasco had the same matchup last week and gave up nothing and struck out 20.  Hampton not in that class, but he is my pick of the week of pitchers with poor ownership.

John Smoltz:  vs. Oak (Anderson), vs. KC (Meche)

Smoltz has looked his age lately but shouldn’t against two slappies at Fenway.

Clayton Kershaw:  at NYM (Pelfrey), at Mil (McClung)

Clay K destined for 5 or 6 ips with a handful of K’s and walks.  Get used to it.

SERGEANTS

They call it risky business.

Randy Wells:  vs. Atl (Jurrjens), vs. StL (Wainwright)

Wells’s good buddy had a nosering.  Some teammates like to call Randy Rocksteady.

Jair Jurrjens:  at CHC (Wells), at Col (Marquis)

Thank you for flying Jai Aire.  Hope for a safe landing.

Kevin Millwood:  at LAA (Weaver), at Sea (Morrow)

Are you ready for the fallout?

Andy Pettitte:  vs. Tor (Romero), at LAA (Saunders)

 I must admit I didn’t think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.

Ricky Romero:  at NYY (Pettitte), at Bal (Hill)

All the fantasy gurus say Romero is a must-own.  I’m calling him a risky start at best this week.

J.A. Happ:  vs. Cin (Harang), vs. Pit (Vasquez)

Whatever happens, happens.

Mike Pelfrey:  vs. LAD (Kershaw), vs. Cin (Harang)

Bats in the Pelfrey at Citi Field.

Gil Meche:  at Det (Galarraga), at Bos (Smoltz)

Don’t start Gilbert at the week of the mesh point.

Kevin Correia:  at Ari (Davis), at SF (Zito)

Wire flyer if you are desperate.

Jason Marquis:  vs. Was (Stammen), vs. Atl (Jurrjens)

Marquis has 7 big league seasons under his belt and all 7 times his club has made the post-season  However, this is the first time he will suit up for an All-Star team.

Doug Davis:  vs. SD (Correia), vs. Fla (Johnson)

Dee Dee at home and if you are trying to chase victories.

Brad Bergesen:  at Sea (Washburn), vs. Tor (Mills)

I will advise him in the deepest of leagues.

Jarrod Washburn:  vs. Bal (Bergesen), vs. Tex (Millwood)

Safeco a safe place for pitchers but perhaps not for Rangers and O’s against a lefty.

Jordan Zimmerman:  at Col (Hammel), at Hou (Hampton)

Z-pac at launching pads in Texas and Colorado this week.

Barry Zito:  vs. Fla (Johnson), vs. SD (Correia)

Zito used to be very good.

PRIVATES

She don’t think straight.

Armando Galarraga:  vs. KC (Meche), vs. Cle (Sowers)

Don’t get caught up in Armando’s games of cat and mouse.

Jason Hammel:  vs. Was (Zimmermann), vs. Atl (Vazquez)

Don’t start Hammel at Coors and don’t mess with alligators.

Jon Garland:  vs. SD (Silva), vs. Fla (West)

Dave Duncan would take Judy over Dawn in this case.

Todd Wellemeyer:  at Mil (Suppan), at CHC (Dempster)

Colonel ready for a thrashing on road in upper midwest.

Sean West:  at SF (Cain), at Ari (Garland)

Go left, young man.  But don’t go west.

Vicente Padilla:  at LAA (Lackey), at Sea (Washburn)

Vicente blows harder than an F-5 tornado.

Jeremy Sowers:  CWS (Buehrle), at Det (Galarraga)

Jeremy will leave a sour taste in your mouth at the break.

Brett Anderson:  at Bos (Smoltz), at TB (Shields)

At some point he will probably become usable.  But i’m talking years from now.

Brad Mills:  at TB (Shields), at Bal (Bergesen)

Anchors away and shiver me timbers….

Virgil Vasquez:  at Hou (Hampton), at Phi (Happ)

The Buccos are great.

Craig Stammen:  at Col (Marquis), at Hou (Oswalt)

I feel like Stammen makes this list each week.  Perhaps cause they skip his turn.

Walter Silva:  at Ari (Garland), at SF (Cain)

Mr. Locke.  Vincent.  and WALT!!

GENERALS 

This is a good week to have an ace.  Great week for the generals.

Tim Lincecum:  at StL (Thompson), vs Hou (Oswalt)

Pocket Rocket the NL Cy frontrunner and the MLB’s K leader.

Chris Carpenter:  vs SF (Johnson), at Cin (Arroyo)

Hrabosky bobs every fifth day about attack modes and mean streaks.

Johan Santana:  at Mil (Burns), at Phi (Blanton)

This is about the time of year where Johan decides its time to kick it up a gear.

Jon Lester:  at Bal (Berken), vs Sea (Morrow)

I’m rooting for the bad luck to somewhat continue so I can snatch him up cheap next year.  Lester is the real deal.

Dan Haren:  at Cin (Arroyo), at Cin (Jimenez)

I think Haren should make an appearance on Ice Road Truckers, see if anyone notices.

Ted Lilly:  at Pit (Ohlendorf), vs Mil (Burns)

As I’m writing this Lilly having a Vazquez (hyde) type inning in Detroit; still should be solid here.

Ricky Nolasco:  vs Was (Stammen), vs Pit (Ohlendorf)

Someday, you are gonna be sorry that you cut me…

MAJORS

Short list of Majors this week.  Get them in your lineup.

Roy Oswalt:  at SD (Geer), at SF (Lincecum)

We are off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of os.

Joba Chamberlain:  vs Sea (Morrow), vs Tor (Cecil)

I hate 6 inning pitchers like I hate catchers, closers and empty 290 batting averages.

Gavin Floyd:  at Cle (Pavano), at KC (Hochevar)

Pink is hot (9 ER in last 7 starts) and money, its a gas.

Ubaldo Jimenez:  at LAD (Wolf), vs Ari (Haren)

Pedro Cerrano would call him the U-man.

Matt Garza:  at Tor (Halladay), at Tex (Padilla)

Horrible matchups for Matty G.  Very interested to see if he gets fatigued in the 2nd half.

Randy Johnson:  at StL (Carpenter), vs Hou (Moehler)

Randy a standard unit of measurement against the NL Central (35-19 lifetime record).

Randy Wolf:  vs Col (Jimenez), at SD (LeBlanc)

If your belly is growling it up, feast on this week for Wolfie.

SERGEANTS

Big drop off from the majors.  You are on your own here.

Kenshin Kawakami:  vs Phi (Blanton), at Was (Stammen)

I’m becoming a serious believer in  K-squared but tempering expectations because of the line drive off the gullet.

Rich Harden:  at Pit (Duke), vs Mil (Looper)

Alls I can think about is Tom Hanks playing a mentally challenged Alabamian and a box of chocolates.

Zach Duke:  vs CHC (Harden), at Fla (Miller)

Return of the Lightning Riders.

Rick Porcello:  at Oak (Gonzalez), at Min (Blackburn)

Yeah, Porcello is a candidate to be shut down in August/September.  In re-draft leagues see what you can get for him.

Joe Blanton:  at Atl (Kawakami), vs NYM (Santana)

Blanton’s K:BB rate is very solid but he makes me as nervous as a whore in church.

Joe Saunders:  at Tex (Feldman), vs Bal (Hill)

Dave Duncan would give away sons Chris and Shelley for this guy.  This is a picture of Dunc watching Saunders deal on FSN West.

Nick Blackburn:  at KC (Hochevar), vs Det (Porcello)

If you have a son or daughter that loves magicians, ask Blackburn to come over for a birthday party.  Cat can do a lot with smoke, mirrors.

PRIVATES

Lots of horrible options this week.

Fernando Nieve:  at Mil (Looper), at Phi (Moyer)

Fernando, its snowing.

Brian Bannister:  vs Min (Baker), vs CWS (Richard)

Matchups are sweet but thats about it.

Bronson Arroyo:  vs Ari (Haren), vs StL (Carpenter)

Charles Bronson the Bad Ass gets two of the NL’s best arms.

Carl Pavano:  vs CWS (Floyd), vs Oak (Gonzalez)

Unless you like being hit in the face by a sock stuffed with you know what, don’t even think about it.

Brandon Morrow:  at NYY (Chamberlain), at Bos (Lester)

4 inning pitcher! at Yankee Stadium! And Fenway!

Ross Ohlendorf:  vs CHC (Lilly), at Fla (Nolasco)

At least they sent Ian Snell to Indy.  Snell is probably happy.  He loves the Komodo Dragons.

Vincente Padilla:  vs LAA (O’Sullivan), vs TB (Garza)

Amazingly enough, this scrub has made an all-star team and it was even during the heart of the ‘roids era.

Braden Looper:  vs NYM (Nieve), at CHC (Harden)

Jouster is still a starting pitcher in the league and I am proud of him for that.  It seems like ages ago when he was a closer.

Clayton Richard:  at Cle (Lee), at KC (Bannister)

Clay Dick was lit in his last start and most likely will again next week.

Luke Hochevar:  vs Min (Blackburn), vs CWS (Floyd)

And this was the guy that was going to save the franchise?  Really?

Rich Hill:  vs Bos (Smoltz), at LAA (Saunders)

Anyone think Hill will still be around when Arrieta, Matusz, and Tillman arrive?

Brad Thompson:  vs SF (Lincecum), at Cin (TBA)

Thompson was lit up at Citi Field in his latest start and shaved for the third time since spring training after the game.

Gio Gonzalez:  vs Det (Porcello), at Cle (Pavano)

Gio Metro.  Thats all.

Brian Moehler:  at SD (LeBlanc), at SF (Johnson)

After a lot of thought I have come to the conclusion that Moehler is the worst starting pitcher in baseball.

Josh Geer:  vs Hou (Oswalt), vs LAD (Kuroda)

In the deepest of NL only leagues, be my guest.

Mike Burns:  vs NYM (Santana), at CHC (Lilly)

Montgomery is the richest man in Springfield.

Jason Berken:  vs Bos (Lester), at LAA (O’Sullivan)

Another smoke and mirror guy.

Sean O’Sullivan:  at Tex (Padilla), vs Bal (Berken)

We seriously need to think about realigning divisions.  I’ll have a post on that soon.

Craig Stammen:  at Fla (Nolasco), vs Atl (Kawakami)

Washington/Montreal once traded Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips and Grady Sizemore for two months of Bartolo Colon.  Just a reminder.  But at least they have Craig Stammen.

Wade LeBlanc:  vs Hou (Moehler), vs LAD (Wolf)

At least he is pitching twice at Petco.

        GENERALS

Schwartzkopf was also a good one.

Zack Greinke:  at Hou (Ortiz), at Pit (Snell)

Cooler heads prevail.  Just the matchup Greink needs after a few klunkers.

Javier Vazquez:  vs CHC (Dempster), vs Bos (Beckett)

Jayvee hoping he can win a game here or there, get moved up to varsity.

MAJORS

In any competitive league, you have to start these guys.

Carlos Zambrano:  at Det (Jackson), at CWS (Danks)

Good news, fantasy baseballers!  The Sun-Times has reported that Z-pac is back on ridaline.

Edwin Jackson:  vs CHC (Zambrano), at Hou (Ortiz)

3 ER or less in last 8.  Talk about guys turning the corner out of nowhere…

John Danks:  vs LAD (Kuroda), CHC (Zambrano)

Your chances of buying low on Johnny Boy are getting slimmer by the day.  Go get him.

Max Scherzer:  vs Tex (Harrison), vs LAA (Palmer)

Mad Max has won his last 3 and gets President Harrison and President Palmer this week.

Ryan Dempster:  at Atl (Vazquez), at CWS (Buehrle)

Even with Lady Luck evening out here in 09, I like Ryno this week.

David Price:  vs Phi (Moyer), vs Fla (Miller)

This is the life of a rookie starting pitcher.  Lots of peaks and valleys.  He’s due for a peak.

Hiroki Kuroda:  at CWS (Danks), vs Sea (Olson)

His name just rolls off the tongue.  Perhaps he’ll have the worm burner ball working.

SERGEANTS

I mean, whatever.

Tommy Hanson:  vs NYY (Wang), vs Bos (Wakefield)

Big test for T. knockers.  I ain’t first class, but I ain’t white trash.

Scott Richmond:  vs Cin (Owings), vs Phi (Moyer)

Seriously, he looks like this guy.

Francisco Liriano:  at Mil (Suppan), at StL (Pineiro)

I miss 2006 and so do you.

Koji Uehara:  at Fla (Miller), vs Was (Lannan)

Usually these foreign dudes come over and drop a serious deuce.  Uehara appears to be the exception to that rule.

Aaron Cook:  at LAA (Palmer), at Oak (Cahill)

Cook is hot and the A’s and Angels aren’t very imposing.  You heard it here first…these will not go well.

Joel Pineiro: at NYM (Hernandez), vs Min (Liriano)

No true outcomes for the JP man.  Expect no walks, no k’s and no homers.  Just a lot of balls put in play or The Dave Duncan Special.

Braden Looper:  vs Min (Blackburn), vs SF (Sanchez)

It seems to me that the sergeant and private categories are loaded with guys that have pitched for the cardinals or perhaps will pitch for the cardinals.  Brandon Webb, anyone?

Trevor Cahill:  vs SF (Sanchez), vs Col (Cook)

Buckle your seat belts to the lightning and hope for a safe landing.

Carl Pavano: at Pit (Snell), vs Cin (Owings)

I used Pavano for his last two starts and he proceeded to give me a Hot Carl.  Perhaps he was thinking of getting home to that Alyssa Milano Sugar Train.

Todd Wellemeyer:  at NYM (Redding), vs Min (Perkins)

Someone a lot smarter than me put it best….Whatevermeyer.

PRIVATES

Don’t start these pitchers in your fantasy baseball league this week.

Chien-Ming Wang:  at Atl (Hanson), at NYM (Hernande)

Depending on your age group and language, his name may sound like an actual private.

Matt Palmer:  vs Col (Cook), at Ari (Scherzer)

In fantasy baseball circles, he may be suffering from the Palmer Effect.  And I’m not talking about David or Wayne.

Andrew Miller:  vs Bal (Uehara), at TB (Price)

It turns out Andy’s favorite hobby was totin’ his wall through the exercise yard, a handful at a time.

Johnathan Sanchez: at Oak (Cahill), at Mil (Looper)

Some call him dirty because of his stuff.  I call him dirty because of the stache.

Ian Snell:  vs Cle (Pavano), vs KC (Greinke)

Ian Snell has been in the rotation for 4+ seasons now.  Ladies and Gents, your Pittsburgh Pirates!!

John Lannan: vs Bos (Penny), at Bal (Uehara)

Lannan is one of those guys I wanted to be good.  If you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

Jeff Suppan:  vs Min (Liriano), vs SF (Zito)

Its the soup of the day.  Mmmm…that sounds good.

Jaime Moyer:  at TB (Price), at Tor (Richmond)

If Moyer wins 300 games I will feel just the same as I did when Freddy Sanchez won a batting title.  What just happened?

Micah Owings:  at Tor (Richmond), at Cle (Pavano)

Its probably not a good thing when the Reds offense gets worse when they add the DH.

Garrett Olson:  vs SD (Gaudin), at LAD (Kuroda)

Definitely not the worst option this week.

Livan Hernandez:  vs StL (Pineiro), vs NYY (Wang)

This just in, just call me Livan still pitches in the big leagues.

Matt Harrison:  at Ari (Scherzer), vs SD (TBA)

Matthew Harry is about as reliable as that old gas station johnson sleeve.

Chad Gaudin:  at Sea (Olson), at Tex (Millwood)

If that Ranger start was at Petco I might actually advise Gaudin in the deepest of deep leagues.  But its not.

Tim Redding:  vs StL (Wellemeyer), vs NYY (Sabathia)

Every expert out there should eat a pile of crow saying how great the Mets were gonna be this year.  Look at these slappies they are running out there.

Russ Ortiz:  vs KC (Greinke), vs Det (Jackson)

Juuuust a bit outside.  He tried the corner and missed.

 

 

GENERALS

These hurlers are your rocks.

1. Johan Santana:  vs. Phi (Happ), at NYY (Wang)

Don’t make me come out with another jerry’s kids reference.

2. Chris Carpenter:  at Fla (Johnson), at Cle (Lee)

When he has all the tools working its a thing of beauty.  He faced 28 batters in his last start and only 2 of the 25 balls put in play were hit hard.

3. James Shields:  vs. LAA (Weaver), vs. Was (Zimmermann)

Has a career 3.17 ERA and 1.12 WHIP at the Trop.

4. Josh Johnson:  vs. Stl (Carpenter), at Tor (Tallet)

A friend of mine always thought it would be a great promotion for teams to hand out johnson sleeves for the rubber game during a 3 game series.

5. Jered Weaver:  at TB (Shields), vs. SD (Peavy)

 0, 4, 3, 0, 4, 1, 1, 3, 1, 1, 1.  Those are dream weave’s earned runs allowed in each game this season.

6. Josh Beckett:  vs. NYY (Wang), at Phi (Happ)

Hate the schedule, but don’t hate the player. (1.94 ERA in May/June)

MAJORS

Unless you play in a 4 team league, these should be in your lineup.

1. Ted Lilly:  at Hou (Moehler), vs. Min (Baker)

Seems like a great candidate to beat Death at Twister and also to post two quality outings here.

2. Cliff Lee:  vs. KC (Bannister), vs. Stl (Carpenter)

Has a sub 2.4 ERA at Progressive Field/The Jake in his career.

3. Jake Peavy:  vs. Ari (Garland), at LAA (Weaver)

He would be higher if not for his illness this week.  Perhaps he can turn that illness into a sickness.

4. Derek Lowe:  vs. Pit (Ohlendorf), at Bal (Hernandez)

Its so nice to have that guy like Lowe that puts up a consistent 6 or 7 innings with 2 or 3 runs allowed.

5. Johnny Cueto:  at Was (Zimmerman), at KC (Bannister)

Cueto is significantly better on the road than at GABP and gets two nice parks to throw in here.

6. Mark Buehrle:  vs. Det (Willis), at Mil (Looper)

If you can spell Buehrle correctly without having to look it up you are a great fan.  I expect him to regress a bit but should be strong here.

SARGEANTS

We are now to the cut off point of guys I would feel comfortable starting in 12 team mixed leagues.  But hey, fantasy pitching staffs are never great.  Choose wisely.

1. Randy Johnson:  at Ari (Buckner), vs. Oak (Anderson)

Fresh off 3-hundo, I say the Big Unit is decent here and is worth a look.

2.  Zach Duke:  at Atl (Kawakami), vs. Det (Galarrage)

Fresh off the win over Johan (7ip, 0k), do you ride lightning with the smoke and mirror act?

3. Scott Baker:  at Oak (Anderson), at CHC (Lilly)

Baker is too talented to continue to struggle.  His last outing was a good sign and this week could be promising.  I would feel better if it was at the Metrodome, but you have to start him if you’ve got him.

4. Josh Outman:  vs. Min (Swarzak), at SF (Sanchez)

Outman is pitching over his head looking at his FIP and DIPs.  The implosions and course correction will come, but not this week.

5.  J.A. Happ:  at NYM (Santana), vs. Bos (Beckett)

Huge test for J.A. and I hope he lives to tell about it.

6. Andy Pettitte:  vs. TB (Niemann), vs. NYM (Hernandez)

I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight and the Sisters let him be.

7. Jordan Zimmermann:  vs. Cin (Cueto), at TB (Shields)

Hopefully you’ve gotten the memo (or telegram) that Z is averaging over a strikeout per inning.

8. Kenshin Kawakami:  vs. Pit (Duke), at Bal (Hill)

I still believe K-squared is usable.  He will be ok.

9. Chien-Ming Wang:  at Bos (Beckett), vs. NYM (Santana)

Gauntlet starts for a pitcher who has struggled.  He will turn it around, but not this week.

10. Brian Tallet:  at Tex (McCarthy), vs. Fla (Johnson)

Things are starting to correct for BT.  He has to get hammered in one of these, most likely at Arlington.

11. Scott Feldman:  vs. Tor (Janssen), vs. LAD (Kuroda)

I just looked at his numbers and refreshed the page 3 times.  5-0?  Really?  This guy has to be the most consistent in baseball.

PRIVATES

Don’t even think about it.

1. Braden Looper:  vs. Col (Hammel), vs. CWS (Buehrle)

If you are desperate, go right ahead.  I’ve had worse.

2. Jason Marquis:  at Stl (Thompson), vs. Sea (Bedard)

I would only start this chode in a razzball league.

3. Jon Garland:  at SD (Peavy), vs. Hou (Paulino)

I heard from this guy that Garland isn’t very good.

4. Brandon McCarthy:  vs. Tor (Tallet), vs. LAD (Wolf)

This is a case where two starts at home is not a good thing.

5. Armando Galarraga:  at CWS (Richard), at Pit (Duke)

If this cat wants to keep a rotation spot, he may want to pitch well this week.

6. Jeff Niemann:  at NYY (Pettitte), vs. Was (Stammen)

If you find Nemo on the wire and want to start him because of his last outing, change your mind.

7. Brett Anderson:  vs. Min (Baker), at SF (Johnson)

Anderson is still too green.

8. Clayton Richard:  vs. Det (Galarrage), at Mil (Parra)

His nickname could be Clay Dick.  Regardless, it is now.

9. Jason Hammel:  at Mil (Looper), vs. Sea (Vargas)

I’ve read that this guys FIP indicates his numbers should be better.  I don’t see it nor care.

10. David Hernandez:  vs. Sea (Vargas), vs. Atl (Lowe)

Seriously, don’t we already have enough Hernandez’s?

11. Anthony Swarzak:  at Oak (Outman), at CHC (Wells)

Don’t believe the hype.

12. Sean West:  vs. SF (TBA), at Tor (Janssen)

At least he’s not a Hernandez.

13. Ross Ohlendorf:  at Atl (Lowe), vs. Det (Willis)

The ‘dorf is starting to show his true colors.

14. Jason Vargas:  at Bal (Hernandez), at Col (Hammel)

Let’s hope he’s no relation to Claudio.

15. Brad Thompson:  vs. Col (Marquis), at Cle (Huff)

This could easily turn into another pitcher’s start knowing LaRussa and Duncan the way I do.  They could start Jess Todd or throw 5 bullpen guys the first 7 innings.  Expect no more than 5 innings.

16.  Billy Buckner:  vs. SF (Johnson), vs. Hou (Moehler)

You know its not a good sign when a guy ends up on this list 2 weeks in a row because they skip his turn.

17.  Brian Bannister:  at Cle (Lee), vs. Cin (Cueto)

I hope you listened last week.  He’s horrible.

18. Dontrelle Willis:  at CWS (Buehrle), at Pit (Ohlendorf)

He didn’t allow a hit in his last outing and was pulled after 2 and 1/3.  What does that tell you?

19. Brian Moehler:  vs. CHC (Lilly), at Ari (Buckner)

Right handed batters are hitting .444 against Moehler.

20. Casey Janssen:  at Tex (Feldman), vs. Fla (West)

He’s better than this but has been awful since his return from the DL and has iffy matchups, at best.

Each week I will rank all the 2 start pitchers for the upcoming scoring period.  I will place each starter in one of four categories.

GENERALS

These pitchers should spearhead your staff for the upcoming week.  Plug them in and move along.

1. Tim Lincecum: at Was (Stammen), at Fla (Badenhop)

Matchups are secondary when you have the pocket rocket, but owners should be salivating.

2.  Johan Santana: at Pit (Duke), at Was (Stammen)

If you need guidance on whether or not to start Yo, you may have a father named Jerry.

3.  Roy Halladay:  vs LAA (Saunders), vs KC (TBA)

Having Doc for a couple turns at Rogers Centre is having your cake and eating it too.

3b. Adam Wainwright: vs Cin (Arroyo), vs. Col (Cook)

Waino has turned the corner with 23 k’s and 2 er in his last 3 starts (23.2 IP).  He also loves Busch (2.70 home ERA).

NOTE:  Wainwright is no longer a 2-start pitcher in period 9.  He will move up and remain on regular rest and pitch Sunday at San Francisco.  The Cardinals have not announced their plans for the beginning of next week, but whoever starts on Monday and Tuesday for St. Louis will pitch twice at home in fantasy week 9.  Kyle Lohse is a possibility.  We will keep you posted.

4. Kevin Slowey: vs. Cle (Huff), at Sea (Jakubauskas)

Slowey is working himself into must-start status.  With the Tribe at home and at Safeco this week, he’s a general.

5.  Roy Oswalt: vs. Col (Cook), vs. Pit (Snell)

The Wizard triples his win total this week.

MAJORS  

These pitchers are among the better options for the next scoring period.  Start with confidence.

6.  Joba Chamberlain: at Cle (Sowers), vs. TB (Garza)

Joba seems to be going though some growing pains in year one as a starter.  He headlines a poor week of Majors.

7. A.J. Burnett: vs. Tex (Holland), vs. TB (Sonnanstine)

Take your 6-10 k’s each start, pray he doesn’t get lit.

8. Brett Myers: at SD (Peavy), at LAD (Wolf)

With Myers’ obvious downfall the longball, he could be a sneaky play with starts at pitcher friendly Petco and Chavez Ravine.

NOTE: Brett Myers will miss the next three to four months with a hip injury.  He will not pitch this week and can be cut in mixed leagues.

9. Carlos Zambrano: at Atl (Kawakami), at Cin (Arroyo)

I wouldn’t watch Z-pac without a C-pap machine.

NOTE:  Zambrano, suspended for 6 games, has lost his 2 start status.  He will next be eligible to pitch Thursday at Atlanta.  He will not appeal the suspension.

Randy Wells picks up Zambrano’s 2 starts and I would slot him between Arroyo and Blanton in the Sergeant Group.  Perhaps he has caught lightning in a bottle with his little run of solid outings.

10. Clayton Kershaw: vs. Ari (Buckner), vs. Phi (Blanton)

Impossible to predict Clay K, but should be solid at home and against the Fightin’s barrage of lefties.

11. Randy Wolf: vs. Ari (Haren), vs. Phi (TBA)

Randy appears to be hungry for no-decisions.  He’ll have to be razor sharp to get more than NDs here.

12. Ubaldo Jimenez: at Hou (Paulino), at StL (Wellemeyer)

Ubaldo has yielded just 13 earnies in last 6 starts.  Start of something big?

13. Edinson Volquez: at StL (Wellemeyer), vs. ChC (Marshall)

Light bulb flickering on and off for Volquez.  He owns the Cubs and Redbird offense struggling to push runs across.

SERGEANTS   

One-start options with clear forecasts are better than two start options with cloudy skies.  Start at your own risk.

14. Joe Saunders: at Tor (Romero), at Det (Porcello)

Saunders’ ERA is a half a run higher on the road and he K’s 4.3 per 9.  I have a feeling he will be known as Sgt. Saunders around these parts.

15. Rick Porcello: vs. Bos (Matsuzaka), vs. LAA (Saunders)

Has won his last 5 starts and I’m not talking about the California Penal League.  Give Rick a go.

16. Kenshin Kawakami: vs. CHC (Wells), vs. Atl (Parra)

K-squared has allowed just 10 earned in 5 May starts.  I’m riding lightning.

17. Daisuke Matsuzaka: at Det (Porcello), vs Tex (Holland)

If we would of had this site before the year, I would have advised you not to draft him.  I guess all I can do now is advise you not to start him.

18. Bronson Arroyo: at StL (Wainwright), vs. CHC (Marshall)

Bronson B.A. just isn’t as intimidating as Billy B.A.

19. Randy Wells: at Atl (Kawakami), at Cin (Arroyo)

Ride the wave.

20. Joe Blanton: at SD (Correia), at LAD (Kershaw)

Tasty matchups, but generally I don’t like starting bad pitchers.

21. Jarrod Washburn: vs Bal (Hill), vs. Min (Slowey)

Wash is a lot like Blanton this week…he probably won’t hurt you but won’t really help either…throw his starts in the wash.

22. Zach Duke: vs. NYM (Santana), at Hou (Paulino)

Remember when Duke was the next big thing?  That seems like ages ago.

23. Todd Wellemeyer: vs. Cin (Volquez), vs. Col (Jimenez)

If you want to age faster, start Wellemeyer on a weekly basis.  I wish my friends were 21.

24. Gavin Floyd: vs. Oak (TBA), vs. Cle (Huff)

Tough to predict Pink from start to start.  Call Cleo or sell for anything after next good turn.

25.  Manny Parra: at Fla (Badenhop), at Atl (Kawakami)

Manwell could fare well against the swing and miss Fish.  The Braves have never seen him.  But Parra sucks away from Miller Park and has not pitched well of late.  This is a risky start at best.

26. Andy Sonnanstine: vs. KC (Davies), at NYY (Burnett)

Sonny usually dominates against the good team and struggles against the bad.  Then again, dominating is like 3 earned and 4 k’s over 6.

PRIVATES 

If you play Russian Roulette long enough, eventually you are going to lose.  Keep these guys on the league’s waiver wire or where no one else can see them.

27. Jeff Suppan: at Fla (Miller), at Atl (Medlen)

Win chasers, eat your heart out.

28. Bartolo Colon: vs. Oak (Cahill), vs. Cle (Sowers)

Jekyll and Hyde at his finest.  Avoid the headache.

29. Ricky Romero: vs. LAA (Saunders), vs. KC (Bannister)

The shine is wearing off.  You don’t want to be starting him when its gone.

30. Brian Bannister: at TB (Niemann), at Tor (Romero)

If you still own BB the SP, time to jump ship.  Course correction coming.

31. Derek Holland: at NYY (Burnett), at Bos (Matsuzaka)

Holland on verge of quick hooks looking at this gauntlet.

32. Aaron Cook: at Hou (Oswalt), at StL (TBA)

I am not blood thirsty for 4 k’s in two outings.  Find something else on the menu.

33. Rich Hill: at Sea (Washburn), at Oak (Mazzaro)

Walk, boot, bomb.  Stay away.

 34. Livan Hernandez: at Pit (Snell), at Was (Lannan)

If anyone in your league still thinks Livan is good, find a new league.

Tim Redding may pick up Livan’s two starts this week.  You don’t want either in your lineup.

35. Andrew Miller: vs. Mil (Suppan), vs. SF (Sanchez)

If you are wondering why the K rate is so underwhelming, keep in mind he doesn’t get a chance to face Dan Uggla like the rest of the league.

36. Kyle Davies: at TB (Sonnanstine), at Tor (Tallet)

Anyone still on the bandwagon from the early season surge?  Bueller?

37. Ian Snell: vs. NYM (Hernandez), at Hou (Oswalt)

Perhaps Reggie Cleveland was also from Dover.

38. Kevin Correia: vs. Phi (Blanton), vs, Ari (Buckner)

The ballpark may help the pitcher, but it does not make the pitcher.

39. Billy Buckner: at LAD (Kershaw), at SD (Correia)

I would probably take him more seriously if he went by Will.

40. Trevor Cahill: at CWS (Colon), vs. Bal (Berken)

Ask me again in 2011.

41. David Huff: at Min (Slowey), at CWS (Floyd)

Looked solid in Thursday’s abbreviated start.  Still wouldn’t touch him.

42. Jeremy Sowers: vs NYY (Chamberlain), at CWS (Colon)

His last couple years have left a sour taste in my mouth.  Imlosions are on the horizon.

43. Felipe Paulino: vs. Col (Jimenez), vs. Pit (Duke)

Cecil Cooper really thought Houston would win this year?

44. Burke Badenhop: vs Mil (Parra), vs. SF

This sounds like the contemporary answer to the Sadie Hawkins.

45. Craig Stammen: vs. SF (Lincecum), vs. NYM (Santana)

Against Yo and Lincecum?  Lick your chops, razzball players.